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bandits

May 24, 2010 by debgraafsma


“We caught him!”

I looked up from my laptop, to see my husband’s face shining with excitement. “Come out and see him!” 

So, we walked out to the yard, where, under the trees in a “have-a-heart” trap, was a large, full-grown, vanquished, male raccoon.  It looked up with pleading eyes, frozen in place, watching us as we assessed him.  Now, before I go on with the story, I must give you a little history. 

Context is everything…

Three weeks ago, Bill set the trap.  He used a full can of sardines as bait.  We had tried everything else. In the morning, the trap had yielded a neighborhood cat. Disappointed, we let the pitiful little thing go to its home, feeling guilty for setting the trap in the first place.    The next night, the same, brand new trap had almost given its life as an offering towards the quest… Wonderfully, the raccoon had found the trap, and taken the sardines.  But, in the process, the not-so-little bandit had all but destroyed our trap.  It lay in bent and battered pieces the next morning, a tribute to the raccoon’s cunning. In response, and, as a tribute to his own tenacity, my husband wired it back together with bailing wire, reinforcing the trap door.  “There!” he declared. “The little jerk won’t do that again!”   

Why this raccoon?  Why this focus of energy?

Well, it all began several years ago.  It has become a quest; a mission; a passion, if you will.  Like a knight in search of a grail, my husband has discovered a priority. The raccoons are the enemy from hell; similar to St. George’s dragon, you see. For the protection of our home, they must go….. The quest has enveloped each of our family members in one way or another, at one time or another.  In the course of his quest, we have discovered all sorts of theories, and falsehoods about how to deal with the little breed.  

It all started when our oldest daughter, Rachel, came home from college one year.  We had known there were gaps around the dormers on our roof needing to be repaired; filled in. But, when you are refurbishing a church campus, limited  in finances, and working, there is only so much energy to go around.  So, understandably, the dormers had waited.  

After unpacking her suitcases, Rachel, then 21, pulled the hinged stairway down that leads to our attic. Her attempted task was to put her bags away. After extending the stepladder, she  began the short climb, looking upwards, then down.  She reached down to gather her empty suitcase from the floor, readying herself to swing the bag up into the open access.  In her peripheral vision, she saw a movement.  She almost fell off the ladder with a stifled scream. She looked again towards the access. 

A rather large raccoon was standing on its  haunches, front feet up, teeth bared.  It was hissing and growling.  Apparently, she had invaded its home.

Its home? I had thought it was our home…. 

Rachel came running downstairs. So startled was she, that she forgot to close the access stairs. “Mom! Dad! Did you know there are raccoons in the attic?”  “Mom! How did they get in there?” Thankfully, the raccoon “king” was satisfied that he had defended his domain and had not ventured down the stairway…

Did you ever discover something that suddenly needed attention?  A lot of attention?  Unknown to anyone living in our home, elements of destruction had been working for a long time.  Repairs were extensive and time-consuming; requiring strategy. They were expensive.

It was like the painful discovery of a blindspot; like seeing a need for change. 

Upon inspection, Bill discovered a family of raccoons in the attic.  How long they had been there, we couldn’t tell.  But they had certainly created themselves an environment.  They loved it there..

But so did we…. 

In the process of getting rid of the ones in the attic, a few got away…..causing us to begin a journey. Over the past six years, we have caught and relocated many raccoons; all of which have come from this one little attic family.  (We have also worked to repair the roof….) And, as far as we know, the male Bill caught this morning was the last of them.  

As I stood, considering the little imp in the trap today, I found the inevitable words coming out of my female mouth. “But, he’s so cute, honey! Look at him! The poor thing! How long has he been in there?” 

My husband looked at me in disbelief, his mouth open. “What?” 

“I’m sorry,” I replied. “It’s just hard to believe this is the one.” 

Bill put his arm around me. “He’s the one.”

In my heart I know he is right. The long list of repairs we have done because of this particular raccoon came to my mind.  He has broken the glass in the birdfeeders, and bent the metal suet feeders, rendering them almost unusable.  He has chugged full hummingbird feeders, leaving them empty, with trails behind him. He has chewed. He has dug.  He has destroyed the finch feeders, requiring their replacement.

And he is done.  So am I.  Looking at him, I realized my personal need to face the facts. He might be cute, but he was destructive.  He might be cowering now, but he had wreaked havoc with his siblings in our home.  As a whole, the raccoon race had cost us hundreds of dollars.  My battle?  I found myself wanting Bill to let him go because I momentarily felt sorry for him.  If we did let him go into the neighborhood once again, our frustrations would continue, and the quest would return… 

For that moment, the raccoon was full of regret — of his appetite for sardines, and his destructive patterns.

For that moment, I felt guilty — for impeding his processes, for his capture, for his impending relocation.

But regret and guilt don’t make changes.  Repentance does. Strategies and Intentional Action make changes.  Feelings don’t dictate growth. Character dictates growth.

Context is everything…

It is sad, but I have met many people who are stuck in the perpetual cycles of guilt and regret…. allowing a quest to be revisited because they hope a quick apology will undo years of bad behavior.  They wrongly believe it is their responsibility to maintain the happiness of those they love who carry destructive behaviors….. 

King Solomon said “is is the little foxes that spoil the vines.” And he was right.

Beware of the masked bandits…..

Blessings!

(C)2010 DG Awakened to Grow. Duplication without permission prohibited.

 

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on wearing a lion’s mane…

May 1, 2010 by debgraafsma


Personality is a wonderful thing! It provides us with variety, and keeps the spark in our relationships.  How boring life would be if every tree in the orchard were an apple tree!  How tedious our days would be, if everyone were the same.  Our lives would be like those “built overnight” neighborhoods, where all the houses look the same; like they were designed with a cookie-cutter!  It is the differences that keep us discovering — and I for one, need the differening personalities to keep me on a growth pattern!  

Now, if you aren’t familiar with personality profiles, let me help here by explaining a little.  I have to set the story up for you — because this week, I made a discovery of my own.   

Personality profiling is used all over the workplace these days, to help corporations learn about team dynamics.  Profiling tools are used to help workers discover what needs adjustment in their working relationships. Some Human Resource departments use profiling tools, to learn whether an applicant desiring a job would really be a “fit” for that particular job. Police departments create profiles in order to catch criminals…. it’s fascinating stuff. And uncannyingly accurate!

Simply put: there are four basic personality types.  Everyone on the planet carries all four, in varying degrees. And, while some people are similar, each combination is unique; mixing with our individual learning styles, our level of emotional development, etc., to define our personality; our Personhood.  Additionally, most of us utilize different forms of ourselves depending upon the pressures of the environment we find ourselves in…. Short version; one of the main keys to healthy living is choosing to do whatever it takes to heal and grow– The end goal is to become consistently stable, in holding to the same personality in every environment. This is called “congruency”…  although no one comes to it quickly … or perfectly.  

Understand here,  I am talking about Emotional Quotient (which involves inner life; feelings, principles, values and morals) — as opposed to Intelligence Quotient (which involves outer life; facts, cliches, status and task).  Relationships are part of the EQ of life — When relationships are run in IQ, they fail every time…. 

But EQ is hard to grasp; it’s like learning a new language, especially if inner life wasn’t addressed in bonding years. EQ is intangible and relationship based — most of us need help to “get it.”  On the other hand, IQ is easier to get hold of, because it is task oriented and has to to with the tangibles — “just the facts, please.”  As a result, the majority of us live our lives in the IQ levels, avoiding the pain of digging into the EQ, for as long as we can possibly get away with it….

Personality types vary in degrees.  To put it simply — here are the four styles — 1. The Driver; the lion, or choleric…    2. The Inspirer; the otter, or sanguine…. 3. The Steady; the golden retriever, or phlegmatic…..  4. The Conscientous; the beaver, or melancholic….. 

After years of behavioral analysis, mediating conflicts, helping couples decipher “missed moments,” I made a discovery of my own this week.  You know, the “aha” moment, the “synapses” — when the left and right brain connect, and you wonder why you didn’t “see it’ before….

My husband is a “lion” — by that I mean his personality type. He is one of those energetic, determined leader-guys, who enjoys being out in front forging a path. He could cut a path through the jungle with a machete, and not mind the challenges of being the first to get there. His secondary personality type is the “otter.” You know the type; always telling jokes; drawing people in with his stories. When it comes to his learning style, he has this mind that never forgets a name. It has to be a gift. I say that because I have a hard time with names. I remember faces, and then my mind runs through the alphabet — “Was it an A name? B?” 

At one point, I thought I could improve my mind-remembering skill-level; I didn’t realize the problem was part of my genetics. Because my relationships with people are important to me, I tried a course in memory-association. This particular course was excellent — the problem was the student…. Here was the proposed process: Think of a picture that reminds you of the item (or person) you want to remember.  Give the picture a name that relates to their name, or a feature of their person.  Well, the course promises that the next time you see the person, you will remember the association, etc. Hence, success.

I must have been missing that day — that part of my IQ level wasn’t developed yet…..  A lady came to visit us.  In the midst of a sea of faces, I learned her name; “Mrs. Stack.”  She was a a rather large woman, with short, blonde, straight hair.  So, in my mind, for some reason, I pictured a haystack. Go figure. Did it work, you ask?  Well, the next time I saw her, the part of recalling the image worked. The yellow haystack showed up in my mind; but so did self-doubt.  I called her “Mrs. Needle.” 

You’re smiling. I can’t help it. My mind just goes blank.

My husband is a lion. Like Aslan, in the Chronicles of Narnia, he isn’t a tame lion, but he’s kind…. 

Me? I’m a “golden retriever,” with a little “beaver” thrown in for good measure. I’m the team player who doesn’t like to be alone; who dislikes sudden changes; is mercy-motivated and is happy to help administrate the details. My kids give me a hard time when I’m writing on the laptop too long.   “Come out and play,” they say. Between the two of us, Bill and I have a combination of all four styles in our marriage — which, theoretically, works really great when all inner conflicts have been resolved.  It gives us a complete offering of all the styles… Great for child-rearing, and problem solving.

The “aha,” you ask?  It was this week. I had a picture go through my head… had to be God-breathed.  It made me laugh, actually. Picture this: A golden retriever with a lion’s mane tied around its head. Silly? Perhaps. Think about this… Golden retrievers and lions are the same color, but they are not the same.  They will never be the same. Lions roar and establish territory. Retrievers bark and couldn’t care less about territory. Lions can walk ahead, and work alone. Retrievers need a pack, or companionship. 

I realized this week that for one reason or another, I had placed undue expectations on my God-given personality.  As a result, I had been struggling with guilt when I found myself unable to follow through with those unspoken expectations.  No one put it on me — I just absorbed it over time. When or how I picked it up, I’ll never know.  I think it must have happened gradually — an incremental “weighing down” if you will. Somehow, I thought I had to be more “lion-ly” in my day-to-day life….  I felt guilty for my emotional genetics, something God never intended. Finally, when it surfaced, my hubby and I worked through it.  “I’m so tired,” I told him. “Something has to give.”  Then, came the vulnerable question. “What do you think?”

“I didn’t know you were carrying all that. I don’t want that for you,”  he said. “Let’s fix it.”  Did I tell you he was a kind lion — and my best friend?

Sometimes, without realizing it, we try to change ourselves, denying who we were created to become. Sometimes, we decide to dislike the personality God gave us because we want to gain greater acceptance (we think) or wider approval (we hope).  Sometimes, we allow circumstances and relationships to weigh us down, changing us for survival.  Sometimes, we just slam the door and refuse to think about it.

But it’s part of our purpose on the planet — this discovering of design and purpose. God’s intention is to strengthen our inner selves, so that we live our lives in truth, adhering to His created purpose.  How long has it been since you asked Him who He wants you to be?

He’s got a plan, you know. And it’s a good one — with a future and a hope.  But it might involve a little change….

(C) 2010 DG — Awakened to Grow.  Duplication without permission prohibited.

  

 

 

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bridge-building

April 12, 2010 by debgraafsma


There is a story my husband loves to tell, about this man who was walking on a beach one day.   Looking down, he sees a brass lamp, which he excitedly pulls out of the sand.  As he begins to rub the sand away, (you guessed it), a genie appears.  The genie asks him, “I am allowed to grant you one wish. What would you like more than anything else?” 

 The man, being from California, says, “I would like you to build a bridge from Los Angeles to Hawaii, with restrooms, and no tolls.”

The genie frowns, replying, “Are you nuts? Don’t you know that will disrupt the shipping lanes? Besides, in order to engineer a secure bridge in the middle of the ocean like that, I will have to make all kinds of changes to the weather patterns.” He stops and thinks. “No, I don’t think your bridge is such a good idea. What else would you like?”

The man looks at the genie, pondering. Then, he answers, “I think I would like to understand the female mind.” 

The genie smiles, and then responds.  “Would you like that bridge to be a four lane or two lane?”

Ha ha, very funny, I say… 

But then, I’m female.  My husband, and every man he has ever told the story to, just howl together in laughter.  Interesting, I thought. So, during a speaking engagement, I decided to reverse the genders in the story, and see what happened.  Guess what?  The women laughed, and the men didn’t.  Let me say here, that Bill and I spend lots of time in communication each day; and I am finding myself more and more in love with him each day — even after 30 years of marriage.

Communication in marriage is like bridge-building. It is  a process requiring time, thoughtfulness, and above all, safety. Over the years, I have been amazed at the number of times I have had to remind married couples that they need to  learn to listen, as well as learn to share. Not long ago, I worked with a couple who had been married for more than twenty years, and had never shared their childhood stories with each other.  When I asked the husband “why,” he said, “My childhood bothered me, so I didn’t want to upset her.”  The wife, for her part, had been waiting for him to initiate a deeper conversation; one delving into the “why’s” of his principles and values.  But he had never opened the door.  So the silence remained.  When the door finally did open, this particular couple discovered a greater appreciation for each other, and a mutual emotional magnetism between them.  They fell in love again.

They had come to my office thinking they were heading to divorce court. The Silence between them had become deafening.  Sadly, they had waited until their children were grown, using their same patterns of relationship, to ask how the problem could be repaired.  Over the  years, the Silence had become Unresolved Conflict.

When a man and woman marry, hopefully they do so, because they love each other, and want to spend the rest of their lives together. Hopefully, it is because they have found a safe person who accepts and reciprocates their desire to know and be known.  In the Bible, this process is called, “the two becoming one.”  Notice that the word ‘becoming’ denotes a process.

Becoming one involves learning to speak a new language — the one your spouse speaks, many times not worrying about whether they are speaking yours… It means both partners giving 150%, rather than an even trade of 50%.  Servant-minded living is the economy of the Kingdom.  At the end of the day, each partner gains the ability to live in relationship “bi-lingually.”  If you need an illustration of how well it works to only speak your own language, imagine yourself needing to find a restroom in a foreign country, and not knowing how to ask.  What do you have to do in order to communicate?  Of course, you have to find someone who knows your language and ask them how to ask for directions.

It is too easy to consider only one’s own mindset in relationship.  And sadly, the “easy way” always costs us.  We lose relationship; we lose experience; we miss out on the richness of humor and discovery.   Mistakenly believing the only language we will ever need is our own, we isolate, we retreat.  We become self-centered, expecting everyone else to come to our point of view. 

And far too many times, if we have fortressed ourselves in, Anger shows up when we are asked to speak another language. 

Relationship is a God-idea —–  Isolated Independence is not.

Honesty and Vulnerability are Creator-concepts —-  Defensiveness and Secretive Silence are not.

God created us for Community.  Marriage is that Community’s first picture.  Family is its second picture. Community is where healing is supposed to take place. It is where relationships grow and develop; where we are allowed to grow; we discover even when we make mistakes.   Sadly, even church environments have at times become places where safe community has strayed from His original plan — so how to we learn to trust each other again?

It starts with Hope — Hope opens a door — it’s like finding the brass lamp.  Then, we have to let someone else in, to help us to learn a new language.  Because understanding the mindset of the opposite gender is always like building a bridge…..

Where do you want to start?

(c) 2010 DG — Awakened to Grow — Duplication without permission prohibited.

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sleepers and contracts

March 27, 2010 by debgraafsma


Abram was sleeping.  You heard me.  Not awake. He had dozed off and was in a state of slumber.  He was resting on the ground without a pillow; with dreaming accompanied by nightmares.  He was out; semi-comotose; talking with the Sandman. He was sneaking forty winks; getting some ZZZ’s.

He was probably snoring too.

For a man who had been so gun-ho about the deal, it wasn’t looking so good at the moment.  How could he fall asleep?

Abram had done his best to listen to God. He was doing his utmost to follow.  Even when the people around him thought he was crazy! He had changed everything he knew to change, and had pursued every avenue he knew to pursue.  And still, he waited.

There were times, oft in the middle of the night, when a persistent Strong Urging would speak.  The Voice continued to draw him in.  This unseen, hard to understand, yet all-encompassing Presence would speak. “I am with you. Don’t be afraid.”

Even in the midst of his dysfunctional family, Abram kept holding on to his hope. Someday the promises he had heard in his heart would be fulfilled.  Someday, hopefully soon, he would understand. It had been years. Was his soul weary?  He didn’t know.

All he could do was to keep living his life. And so he did. 

Day in, and day out, his routines maintained their rhythm. Seasons in, and seasons out, his world continued.  His flocks and herds grew. His crops were harvested. Cities were built and battled for. Cultures rose and fell. Governments chased their agendas.

One day, in the midst of his faithful plodding, the Voice came once again. “Set up a contract site for us, Abram. I want to meet with you.” Oh, how his heart filled with joy and anticipation!  The God he had waited to see was coming to him! It wouldn’t be long now!  Everything would be fine!  Full of gladness, he placed the animal halves in their positions. He looked around.  Yes, everything was ready.

Even the torch was in place. Waiting to be lit when his Unseen Partner arrived. 

And he waited.  He would do all that was required.  He would show himself worthy. And when it was done, he would keep his side of the bargain. The Voice would know he had been the right choice!

But then, he fell asleep.  Sound. How could he? You would think that if someone had left their country, their family, their home, in order to discover a burgeoning, illustrious promise, the least he could do would be to stay awake!  Wouldn’t you?  And, in light of his failure; any good businessman would walk away from such a partner!  A go-getter would see that Abram wasn’t really made of the right material. 

Small failures have been known to break large deals. Contracts have been abandoned for much less than a nap before.  After all, sleeping men can’t make their signature; or shake hands; or look you in the eyes; or even agree.

When the time came, Terror showed up, battling for Abram’s sanity. What was his reality now, he wondered?

But then, the Voice came.  Bringing Peace. It was the Voice that lit the torch, passing it between the sides of the physical contract. How was that possible? Was it the purpose of the Voice to keep both sides of the contract?  Who could do such a thing?  And yet, it had apparently been the original plan to do so. 

When they spoke later, the Voice explained a new word to Abram’s understanding. “It is my everlasting Covenant, Abram.”

Covenant.  In the midst of failure; God remains.

Covenant. When the heart has fallen asleep and is unaware; God remains.

Covenant. When the soul is weary, and Terror descends; God remains.

Everlasting Covenant.

Abba Father does not make contracts.  He keeps covenants.  He is the Promiser, and the Keeper of Promises.  And, while many around us may judge the standing and status of our existence based upon comparisons; please know that God does not.  Conditional approval comes from a much darker realm.

In the eternal scheme of things, our small failures cannot break His large deals. He will not abandon us.  When we realize we have been less than faithful, He remains faithful….. And He is aware when we find ourselves unable to make our signature; or shake hands; or look Him in the eyes.  He even knows when the perceptions and imprintings of our hearts fight us when we really desire to trust and believe.

Dear reader, it is important that you know at this point that you are important to him.  You were planned long before the earth was blueprinted. Your gender, your ethnicity, your giftings, and even your eye color were mapped out, complete with only good plans for your life…”plans for a future and a hope.”   And know this: your ability to maintain a God-relationship is a matter of His everlasting covenant; not of your performance-oriented contract.  He is on your side, and He wants to help you succeed.

After all, He is the Maker and Keeper of Promises. He’s got you.

And, by the way, the Voice’s name is Jesus.  

(C) 2010 DG –Awakenedtogrow.com.  Duplication without permission prohibited.

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Getting the signals

March 19, 2010 by debgraafsma


Communication is under-rated. 

Like when our Rachel was learning to drive. That learning activity was something Bill did with her, and I observed from the back seat. Not having my husband’s great depth perception, my observations many times came with involuntary drawing-ins of air, and the universal-Mom’s invisible-brake pedal.  

“Turn left at the next street, honey,” Bill instructed, during one of her early lessons.  Now mind you, I had no reason to believe she wouldn’t do exactly what her father told her.  Up until that point, she had done rather well,  staying between the lines; braking slowly, accelerating respectfully —   

During moments like those you learn lessons about your children. Why is it we remember those moments of surprise so well?Perhaps because  we are vulnerable; especially when they are driving. After all,  they have the steering wheel!  That particular driving lesson,  we arrived at the left-turn corner in question, and Rachel drove past it, never slowing.

“Why didn’t you turn?” her father asked, watching not only the road-sign, but the purpose of our outing — the  Wendy’s and their large Frosty — pass into rear-view. 

“You said, ‘turn left,‘ Dad,” she responded, keeping her eyes on the road.  “I will when we get there.”

Bill and I exchanged glances. What was she saying?

“We did get there,” I said. “Why didn’t you turn?”

“M- ah-m!”  She sighed her reply, using the fifteen-year-old voice that only daughters-who-have-been-daughters,  of mothers-who-are-being-mothers would recognize.  At the next corner, Rachel began putting one hand over another, turning the steering wheel. 

Her dad and I found ourselves laughing.  Out loud. 

“What?” she asked, looking at us.  Her father’s eyes were twinkling as he responded. “Must be your other left, Rach,” was all he said, as the car made a right-hand turn.

From her earliest years, our daughter has mixed her directions. (I could write a book here, but I don’t want to get off track….)  When she was five, we tried everything, from making an “L” with the “left” hand, to memory games.  We even did the drill: “My left makes an ‘L’ and I write with my right.”  She tried hard; even to the point of frustration.  The knowledge just didn’t “stick.”  (Bear in mind that these days she is a gifted wedding photographer!  And even back then she was designing wedding dresses and evening gowns.)

She just couldn’t remember which side was left, and which side was right! 

For the sake of the story, I should tell you: I know exactly where the weakness in Rachel’s personal navigation system came from.  It wasn’t her fault.  For as long as I can remember, I too, have struggled; mixing digits, turning numbers; directionally challenged…. Once, years ago, not long after Bill and I were married, I once drove 25 miles out of the way, driving home alone from the grocery store!  Way back then, we were a young couple in a new city. That sense of not-knowing scared me.  Now, thirty years out? I have learned to deal.  After all, the tendency has surfaced so many times, for so long…. Now, its something we all joke about with each other.  “No, Mom,”  they say, “you don’t have to drive. We’ll lead you.”  

I’m thankful I can ask. I’m thankful for family. Additionally, I’m deeply grateful for community. Because, even though I keep maps in my car; several of my friends continue to be kind enough to answer their cell phones and take the time to provide me a running-feed of control-tower encouragement as I search for the right road.  I’ve become really good at U-turns; even the 3, 4, 5 and 6-point types of turns….  (Just a note:  This year, my favorite Christmas gift was the GPS our children gave me.  It’s great! — it has even helped my prayer life!  If I need to travel to a new place, I pull it out.  Then I pray the sky isn’t too cloudy to find a signal….)

Mixed directions. Misunderstood signals.  It seemed natural when the girls were smaller, to find different ways to communicate what they needed to learn.  For example, when they were learning to set the table, we didn’t tell them the fork went on the right (I mean left!) — Instead, we drew a template and asked them to copy it with the dishes.  When we passed food during Family Table, we would point in the desired direction and say, “Pass the bread that way.”  And guess what?  It worked.  Our girls learned.  We connected.  The table got set; the bread was passed.

As I’ve been working on the worksheets for teaching couples to bond, I’ve found myself thinking this week about my own sense of being directionally challenged, and what it has taught me about bonding issues.  Those places within each of us where we are still waiting for bonding to occur — those are the areas where our conflicts take place. Those are the areas where we have developed false strength. 

Those are the areas where the signal isn’t clear; “left” doesn’t really mean “left” to us — And even though we work hard, using the same minimal tools we have always used — it doesn’t seem to “click.”   I’ve had parents explain this away, by saying, “If my child never had it, they don’t know it’s missing, and that’s okay.”   If you have thought that way, let me ask you to follow that kind of thinking to its conclusion, and consider an equivalent statement:

“My child never grew a right arm, but it’s okay. They’re not handicapped.  They have the same abilities as everyone else.”

Such a statement isn’t true, is it?

I’m sure we’ll discuss this more at a later point, because it is where I am in the learning process of helping people heal right now…. Just let me say that bonding gaps cause us to develop wrong perceptions about who we are; places where have chosen to live our lives alone. Usually, these are the empty places, left unaddressed in us, for one reason or another.  Used to being alone, we choose to survive alone;  not choosing community; figuring it out by ourselves. 

Such independence does not make us stronger, it just gets us lost… like me on new roads without a GPS– only refusing to make a phone call.   We become like explorers without a compass.  When this independence happens within a marriage, it transends into parenting;  and our children do not receive the emotional tools they need.  How can they? 

We cannot give to them, what we don’t have — Or teach them what we haven’t learned ourselves.  

The Solution for our bonding needs is presented in our Heavenly Father.  He is God — He is the One who made us, who loves us, who chooses us to be His — no matter what.  He is the Only God, and  He speaks every language.  He knows every bonding deficit.

The moment we open to receive His love — He begins the process — He will do whatever it takes to connect with you.  That is why He came in the form of  Jesus Christ.  

If that seems a little scary right now, then, at the very least, begin opening your life to those you love.  Admit your weaknesses.  Ask for help.   Then, look around.  Let me encourage you to find a solid group of real believers in Christ who believe in the value of community; Safe people, who will let you fail as you learn. 

God isn’t about religion — He is about relationship; and it’s not anything you can earn by keeping a set of rules, or acting a certain way.

He just loves you, and wants you to get the right signals.

 

 

(C)2010 DG — Awakened To Grow .  Duplication without permission prohibited.

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suitcase latches

March 16, 2010 by debgraafsma


It was a Samsonite case; a good one — and a bargain too! Just $5 at a gargage sale. Not bad for a hardshell suitcase.. it was a perfect match for a poor college student….

That semester, more than forty of us travelled on the ministry tour.  (Almost double the norm — if I remember properly.) Thing was, there was limited room in the storage compartments in the lower levels in the bus.  Our ministry team needed room in the luggage area of the bus for musical instruments and sound equipment. So, our director had limited each of us to one suitcase. (Not to complain, but do you know how difficult it is to keep what you need to only one case, when you’re only twenty years old? And female? For me it was nearly impossible….) 

And then, there were the extenuating circumstances… ( host homes, outlet malls on the highway, etc.) When one travels, one finds oneself — — how shall we put it?  …. acquiring.  Its kind of like that junk drawer in the kitchen.  You know the one:  you open it, and the contents explode. (Does anybody even like that drawer?)

Well, by the time we were half-way through that January tour, it became necessary for me to sit on the suitcase, bouncing on it, over and over again;  squeezing the poor thing closed each morning. The task became more and more difficult as we travelled along. Close to the end of the month, my host home was gracious enough to take me to the store to purchase duct tape.  After all, my poor suitcase only had to make it through a few more days. Sadly, that was the day the $5 bargain latches failed.  That was the day the case popped open, spewing forth my unmentionables and dirty laundry all over the church parking lot. 

It was a very spiritual moment. Honest. Well maybe not……

Which brings me to a discovery I made not long ago .  Over a period of time, I had become increasingly aware of a repeating frustration in my heart.  Busy continually, I thought I was moving forward.  There was a degree of satisfaction in my day-to-day rituals.  But, at the end of the day, barbed thoughts nagged the back of my mind.   In fact, those very expectations began to intimidate me; wearing me down. After a season of days, I felt guilty over “all the things” I was “not doing.” 

Not doing?  All of my moments were filled.  The collections of my days were compressed.

Not doing? Simply put: there simply was no time.

So I sat down and made a list of all of the silent expectations I felt were looming over me, pointing their accusing finger.  I share it here:   

  1. “Get up earlier. You’ll be able to accomplish more.  You’ll feel better about yourself.”
  2. “Get more exercise….  20-30 minutes, three times a week.” 
  3.  “Prepare all of your meals from scratch; processed foods can hurt you.”
  4. “You need to communicate more completely.” 
  5. “Make longer and more detailed lists so you don’t forget.”
  6. “Be in church every time the doors are open. It’s important to show your committment.”
  7. “Send hand-written thank you notes.”
  8. “Take vitamins, and minerals every morning.” 
  9. “Prepare protein drinks and make sure to take your greens every morning.”
  10. “Buy raw and organic foods.” 
  11. “Buy a juicer. Your body will then absorb the nutrients missing in the foods you eat.”
  12. “Make telephone calls instead of writing emails.  People need personal contact.”
  13. “Keep exercising. Sculpt that body.”
  14. “Read the Bible every day, at least one chapter; more… no matter what.”  
  15. “Memorize a Bible verse each week.”
  16. “Show your employer you are a good worker. Stop being late to meetings.”
  17. “Be diligent, always energetic and upbeat.”
  18. “Journal.  Every day — your thoughts, feelings, discoveries.”  
  19. “Keep track of everything God says to you.”
  20. “Keep your environments organized. Emulations of “pack-rat-ivity” are not allowed.”
  21. “Be hospitable. Entertain your neighbors; open your house, your heart, and your home.”
  22. “Read at least one book a month. Maybe two.”
  23. “Volunteer to serve. You need to do something outside yourself.”
  24. “Pursue a project or a hobby. Expand your knowledge.”
  25. “Stay current with the news; remain politically savvy. Research the issues to protect yourself.”
  26. “Keep your cupboards and closets organized; your silverware organized; your home organized.”
  27. “Talk through the deep issues of life with your spouse.”
  28. “Don’t live on the surface.”
  29. “Keep exercising.”
  30. “Pray every day, for at least 30 minutes. Prayer is first foundation in a life of a disciple.”
  31. “Enroll in a class. Keep your mind active and developing.”
  32. “You can get it all done if you just stay up a few more hours.” “You can make up the sleep hours later.”

After the list was finished, I read back over these items, now known as the “Shoulds-List.”  Writing all of those thoughts down had helped to uncover something seeking to hide itself behind other labels in my life.  In actuality, a sense of false guilt, or shame, had been speaking to me; holding up fiery hoops of expectation for me to jump through. 

After the discovery, I thought I’d have a little fun with the list.  Considering each one, I assigned a required length of time to the activities listed.  The discovery I made was amazing. In order to satisfy the “Shoulds-List,”  I would need an additional five hours each day. 

No wonder I was tired.

Each of us on the planet has a “Shoulds-List.”  We drag it along like my over-stuffed suitcase, as we make our personal Life-tour.  We regularly struggle to squeeze everything back into its confines, hoping the “dirty laundry” doesn’t pop out at the wrong time.  But we’re human. And sometimes, it just does. Sometimes, we just bolster ourselves. We pick up our bootstraps, and grab something to keep the cover on… By the way, do they even make emotional duct tape?

After a season, however, we have difficulty getting that latch to close.  Overwhelmed, we become frustrated.  “I’ll just get up a little earlier,” we tell ourselves, or, “I just need to work a little harder.” 

In the Bible, Psalm 127 says, “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it; unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows; for He  (God) gives His beloved sleep.”  (NKJV)

You are……. we are………  beloved.  Beloved!!

If you are struggling with your God-relationship; if you have thought you had to somehow do more, or be more in order to gain His approval and acceptance; this is the time to allow the Holy Spirit to take you off the hook.

You see, our Heavenly Father never drives us.  He doesn’t push.  He doesn’t pull.  He holds no hoops for us to jump through.  He does not expect us to “find the hidden formula.”  (And just for the record — He’s not mad at you, either. Take it from me…. Anyone who tells you otherwise doesn’t really know His character.)  He is the God who leads. The Greek language calls Him the “Parakletos” — the Helper/Teacher who walks alongside…. 

So let me ask you something…. What’s on your personal “Shoulds-List?”  If you need a place to start, you could look at the list I provided here of the thought patterns I struggled with. Ask God to help you let go of them.  He wants to breathe His Peace, His Mercy and His Healing into the “shoulds” in your life.  You already make Him happy.

You are beloved.  

(C)2010 — DG – Awakened to Grow

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gaskets and hoses

March 13, 2010 by debgraafsma


I love my car — really.  Well, I’m thankful that I have a car.  More than being grateful for the vehicle, I guess what I should say is that I’m thankful for my hubby; indefatigable man that he is.  I know this because we have remodelled a house together, built a church together, remodelled another church,…. you get the idea.   

Well, about a year ago, he was out of town for a class; he’s a doctoral student. (I think I mentioned that somewhere.) While he was away, he delegated to me the job of purchasing a car.  I know, I know, I hear you. But it wasn’t like that.  No. Really, it wasn’t. We had looked for weeks – together.  He had done the leg work, and wanted me to look the car over.  A mechanic, who was a friend, or should I say, used to be a friend, had gleaned the best of two used Hondas and merged them together to create what we hoped would prove to be a hybrid.  It was affordable, and it was available — what could be better?  

Bill must have forgotten that I know as much about picking a car as I do about football. (I’ve watched it for years, I just don’t get it.)

Our friend had taken a car with a blown engine, and replaced it’s get-up-and-go with the motor from a Honda with a trashed frame — 121,000 on the good frame; 81,000 on the good engine.  Such a deal it was. Really it was. I keep telling myself that…

So now, here we are, a year later.  Thanks to my husband’s tenacity, and the kindness of our friends (one in particular who is an excellent mechanic — not the other guy),  I have a new car.  Not the shiny kind. ..

Maybe we’ll paint it.

The new car I refer to is my little Honda.  Yes the very same.  We now have a new air conditioning system, new brakes, new tires, new head gasket, all new hoses, a flushed radiator, a new lower control arm, new window motors and regulators, a new master cylinder, new fan motor control switch,  a working window washer unit, all new spark plugs, new shocks and struts, and the list continues….

I’ve always liked lemonade….. did I say that out loud?  I still do — it’s the south….

Not only that, but the “Cash for Klunkers” program didn’t appeal to me.  I just can’t see taking our used cars to a dealership, who then would have to destroy them; unable to sell them just to comply with the program.  It didn’t seem right to me, or to Bill, that the steel in my little Honda then be sold to Japan or China to build their steel industries, while our American car auctions see a freeze in the market….. didn’t seem right somehow.

So, I’ll drive my little Honda til the wheels fall off.  And I’ll be grateful, really grateful,  that I have a car, and no car payments.  Come to think of it, maybe the first mechanic’s idea of a secondary market wasn’t all that off, after all.  All she needed was a little love and tenacity.  Those ingredients can fix just about anything.

Even marriages. 

How long would you drive your car down the road with all the lights on the dashboard blinking?  How far would you get if the temperature gauge pegged itself to “hot,” and steam was coming out of the engine?  And yet, many times, we think we can continue travelling blithely through life when the relationships in our lives are sending us glaring signals — yet we wait until the motor seizes to do a tune-up. 

If you are in such a place in any relationship in your life, let me make a suggestion to you.  Considering the American culture, and the social networks within what we call the “Christian Culture,” only one in four of those who are referred to a counselor actually follow through with seeking one out.  Of that 25%, less than half will follow through with pursuing the healing that requires personal change.  Knowing the stats on broken and blended families, what does that tell us about the emotional stability of our nation? And our level of actual spiritual maturity?

The inside is more important than the outside.  Going through the rebuilding process with my little Honda has taught me that, yet again!  It’s made me love her more. 

And most importantly? The radio works, and I can park  her anywhere!!

(C)2010 DG — awakenedtogrow.com

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A New Adventure

March 11, 2010 by debgraafsma


Today turned into an encounter with a sinus nasty — Apparently, some kind and sharing soul left the remnants of their symptoms where I could find them.  I must have unwittingly discovered the germs; and, not being good at playing “hot potato,”  held onto the little viruses too long.  So they made contact.  The ugly things intend to “live long and prosper!”  Little aliens…..   (Can’t we just send them back to the mother-ship?)

What was it the doctor used to tell us when the girls were small?  “Wash your hands continually, and don’t touch your eyes, nose, mouth or ears.”  Sorry, Larry, I forgot, I guess. 

There is one good thing about not feeling well. Everything else has to stand in line for attention while you recover.  And, it gives you a little bit of time to rest; doing activities that  can be accomplished in a semi-sleep state…. when you’re not sleeping, that is…

So today, between naps, I was preparing a CD — lazing on the couch, with my laptop, my pillow, my blankie and my sympathetic 8-pound Maltese.  Oh, and lots of water; don’t forget the water. And the tea.  Thanks, Mom.

I’ve written a novel.  Did I tell you that already?  My brain is snowed in with Mr. Sinus…. I can’t remember.

It’s been a rather large project. One I didn’t realize I was undertaking…. At first, I was going to write a series of short stories, and give them to women who come to the Awakened to Grow retreats….  Then, I thought it might become a devotional; to which we would add the scripture reading and journaling assignments at a later date.  But now, as I sign a publishing contract, and send a CD of files off, I am realizing that Abba Father has been leading me into a discovery for a long time. 

I love to write…. really.   I love to research, and find connections.  It’s fun to watch a patchwork quilt come together; piecing the accounts into a narrative.  To discover the people…Before this project, I wrote songs — and I still love doing that — but this has touched something deeper in me…. this has been fun!   

It began as a personal Bible study.  I wanted to know more about the woman who broke the jar in the house of Simon the Pharisee. I wanted to investigate the depth of her passion in worship.  Her courage.  Jesus’ response. Not long after the Bible study began, it became a message.  Then, when I went to prepare the message for our congregation, it became a two-week teaching. Now, after eight years of research and a trip to Israel, it is a 460-page book. 

Friends who have read it in its self-published format, tell me they have experienced personal change and growth through reading. Many of them have been kind enough to write reviews for my publisher.  How did we get here, exactly?  I don’t remember ever planning to write a book.  It just sort of happened.  I think it came down to just taking the “next logical step” as the Holy Spirit made the direction clear. 

So, why am I writing today?  Just to bring you into the circle; to let you know its coming.  I’m excited.  The name of the book is Journey: A Novel. It is being published by Advantage Books (advbooks.com).  Some of you have helped me to get to this point, and I am so grateful.  Thank you.  Thank you.. Thank you….  (If you have questions about the process, you can email me at awakenedtogrow@yahoo.com).

Periodically, from this point forward, I will post excerpts from “Journey,” so you can see the kind of book it is…..  If, as you read, you have comments, I would love to have your input…

I finished the research for my second book last month; Journey Continued.  The prologue is written now; and I am beginning the process of constructing a novel about the early church — Amazing…. What I have discovered in the process is the revelation of an ancient world paralleling our own so closely, that I find myself  anticipating the end-time outpouring of the Spirit with even greater excitement. 

 Thank you for taking time to read this blog.  Thanks for your encouragement and your support.  I’m looking forward to hearing from you.  Blessings.

(C)2010 DG — awakenedtogrow.com

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garden and gun?

March 10, 2010 by debgraafsma


You read it right, friends.  Believe it or not, it is the name of magazine: “Garden and Gun; Soul of the New South.”  As I sat waiting at a friend’s house this week, I picked it up to read. Fascinating.  I wasn’t born in the south, but I wish I was.  I’ve been eating grits, rice and gravy, okra, catfish and ribs for as long as I can remember.  Our family has gone through a gallon of sweet tea a day since Bill and I married back in the 70’s…. Am I telling my age?  Oh well.

The article that tickled my fancy in this particular issue, was called “Fetch Daddy a Drink,” by P.J. O’Rourke (I find myself wondering whether that is a man’s real name — but whatever — this is the south)….. It was the sub-title that caught my attention — “How to apply gun-dog training methods to your children.”  I was hooked.  Was Mr. O’Rourke calling my children animals? (Not that I hadn’t thought it quietly to myself once or twice when they were smaller — but to put such a thing in print?  Really now…)

In a nutshell, Mr. O’Rourke had taken the instructions of famous dog-trainer, Richard Wolters, in the book “Gun Dog” and translated them into parenting lingo.  While the hilarious outcome of his discussion was entertaining, I found several things I agree with, that I can’t resist sharing with you; logging them away here in cyberspace.

Three Rules To Train A Good Dog

1. Start ’em young — Don’t wait to train a pup until he is a year old.  Begin early.  Make solid imprintings that leave a legacy of behavior patterns. (I stopped to think; manners, habits, making the bed, even prayer….. okay.) O’Rourke says puppies who begin training at one year see a success rate of 20%, while puppies who begin such training at  5 weeks see a rate of 90%.  (In people years, that would mean waiting until my child was 7 to expect him/her to make their bed….. and looking back… potty training definitely had to happen earlier than seven…. Continue O’Rourke… I’m listening.)

2. Repetition, repetition, repetition. Keep repeating the lesson until the pup learns it, Mr O’Rourke says. (My years as a children’s pastor tell me this is true as well — I always had to remember the One Minute Window Rule.  That’s the rule that says I get one minute of undivided attention from a child for every year of their emotional development….. Hmm…. are we on to something?)

3.  Keep things concise.  “Don’t clutter a pup’s brain with useless nonsense,” quotes the author.  “Keep your commands short.” (I agreed with him up til now, so I read on…. ) The basic commands are SIT, STAY, COME, and WHOA. According to O’Rourke, his son will need to learn those rules if he wants to experience a happy marriage….

I put the magazine down.  I found myself smiling — and at the same time wondering whether the author didn’t have a good point in the midst of his bizarre approach to child rearing. 

In the 1920’s, algebra and geometry were college courses, as were foreign languages, and the lab sciences.  Back then, long division was introduced in the freshman year of high school. Music, the arts, and hands-on classes were part of the learning experience; education utilized all of the learning styles.  Now, in the twenty-first century, our schools are aimed for the 7% of the population who are visual learners. We are harried, hassled, and time compressed.  And now? Five times the amount of information the children of the 20’s and 50’s were expected to absorb, is now on the plates of our children who attend school.  We have become obsessed as a nation with seeking to make sure our children know more, do more, make more and become more than any generation before them…..

Additionally, our children’s health conditions show the results of that approach to preparing them for adult life.  They struggle with ADHD, ADD, childhood depression, behavioral disorders, OCD, obesity, anxiety, sleep disorders, to name a few.  Just last week, I read a news article about a middle schooler who had tried to end his life.  Presently, in my own counseling practice, I regularly see at least five children under the age of 12, with big-people sized problems.

What’s gone wrong with our plan?

Which brings me back to Mr. O’Rourke. There are two major elements underlying the author’s entire “gun-dog” approach to parenting; elements we all really should adhere to if we desire success in raising our children — or our grandchildren — or our employees, even, for that matter.  They are elements applying on any level of leading — whether coaching, counseling,  mentoring, teaching or parenting. 

That missing element is Relationship; personal contact and consistent communication.  To put it in “gun-dog” lingo: When an owner trains a pup, he is personally involved, on every level, for each stage.  He learns to anticipate what the pup will do. He spends time observing; learning how his dog thinks.  It’s how obedience happens.  It’s how loyalty is nurtured.

With personal time.

As parents, we teach our children not only by what we say, but by what they see us doing; day in and day out.  Our actions and attitudes do more to teach than any lecture.  Thank you Mr. O’Rourke for your insight, and your humor….

I know I needed your advice. And the laughs.

But I don’t think I will ever be able to look at one of my children with a palm raised like a stop sign and utter, “Sit and stay.”  (I’d like to raise their personal value level a little higher than that, I think.)

(C)2010 DG– awakenedtogrow.com

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What God Says

March 7, 2010 by debgraafsma


About a year ago, I was working on materials for a retreat.  The theme was “The Value of A Woman.”  In the process of preparing materials, I kept coming across references that described God’s attitude towards us as His children.  As I personalized them, the following list emerged.  I hope it will encourage you as much as it did me. 

  • I look on the heart. I know your heart.    
  • I am kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving.            
  • I am the God who sees you.                 
  • I am rich in mercy.                
  • I made you alive, when you were dead.       
  • I have forgiven you for your past life and mistakes
  • I want you to sit with me in heavenly places
  • I want to pull you up to see things like I see them.
  • I want to show you the exceeding riches of my  grace and my kindness.
  • You can’t earn this. Its my gift to you.
  • I have prepared good things for you.
  • I have prepared a good path for you to walk on
  • I have a design in mind for your life.
  • I am your refuge.
  • I want you to pour your heart out to me.
  • I hear you when you call me.
  • I am leaning over with my hand behind my ear so  I can hear you
  • I am full of grace. 
  • I do the right thing.
  • When you are in your lowest place, I will save you.
  • I will deal bountifully with you.
  • You are mine.
  • I save your tears in a bottle.
  • I want to wipe them from your eyes.
  • Your tears are precious to me.
  • I want to help you walk well in your life.
  • I want to deliver you from anything that would take life from you in any area.
  • I have only good news for you
  • I want to heal every place where your heart is broken.
  • I want to set you free in every place where you are all tied up.
  • I will show you the things you can’t see.
  • I will heal your blind-spots
  • If you can’t see, I will give you the ability to see.
  • I am the one who takes oppression off of you.
  • I want you to be free.
  • I want to bind up your wounds so you can heal.
  • I like to talk to you. 
  • I want to help your reasoning powers to understand how I can wash you.
  • I am watching over you, to protect you, all the time.
  • I will never leave you alone. 
  • I know that you believe in me. 
  • You are my friend.
  • I have always loved you.
  • My love for you will never end.
  • I pour out kindnesses on you, in order to draw you close to me. 
  • I love spending time with you.
  • I search your heart. 
  • I understand the motives of what you feel.
  • I know you inside and out. 
  • I planned you before I planned the earth.
  • I designed you. 
  • I want you to be here – at this time – in this generation.
  • I have knit you together — with skill and purpose.
  • I have put gifts in you. 
  • I have placed calling on you. 
  • I have given you dignity.
  • You can stand up and not be afraid, because I am with you. 
  • I go before you, and I’ve got your back.
  • You are in the middle of an inner circle with me.  You are my Beloved. 
  • You are accepted.
  • I like you. You are my treasure.
  • I do not deal with you based on your mistakes.
  • I don’t look at your tendencies to sin.
  • I want to heal you.
  • I don’t keep record of your failings.
  • When you bring your mistakes and your failings to me, I put them so far from each other, they will never even see each other again.
  • When you call me, I will come to you
  • When you are overwhelmed, I will come to you
  • I will rescue you
  • I will ride the wind, and come in smoke and fire.  I will thunder at the enemy who wants to destroy you.
  • I will draw you to myself, to a safe place. 
  • I will hold you there.
  • I will support you. 
  • I will breathe life into you.
  • I will put you in a broad place.
  • I delight in you.
  • I dance over you.
  • I sing over you.
  • I have placed a banner over you called “loved one.”  That’s my label on your life – “Loved one.”
  •  I am never too busy to spend time with you.
  • I have given you a new name
  • I want you to know what I am doing in your life.
  • You are not my slave, or my servant. You are my friend.
  • I have laid down my life for you.
  • I love you. You are precious to me.
  • I chose you before the foundation of the world.
  • You are holy and blameless when I look at you.
  • You are mine. No one can steal you from me. 
  • There is no one more powerful than me.
  • I have blessed you with every spiritual blessing in Jesus.
  • You are my treasure.
  • Your value has been determined by the price paid.
  • I paid it all.  ALL.
  • You are mine.
  • I want you to be with me forever.
  • I want you to have a good life.
  • I have good plans for you.
  • You are mine.
  • You are my favorite.
  • You are mine.

The next time you feel distance in your relationship with Abba Father, read this list to yourself — perhaps out loud.  I promise, it will lift your heart. 

(c) 2009 DG — awakenedtogrow.com — No duplication without permission

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